It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
