Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
