So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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