I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
