when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
