i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
