WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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