I want you more than these girls want KFC
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
