I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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