my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
