I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
