"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
