I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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