My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
