He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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