Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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