Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
