Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
