Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
