as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Randomize