when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize