I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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