Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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