I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
