HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
