How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just cut my nipple shaving
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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