If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
