i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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