one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Holy shit dude........stairs
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
