and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
