dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
