Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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