Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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