Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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