I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize