i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
