OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
