Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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