I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
