a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
