The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
