DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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