The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
