nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
