somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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