some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Don't make out with my wife yet
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
