i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
