She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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