I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
