Someone shit on the floor
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
