Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize