I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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