I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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