I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
