so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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