i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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