im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
