i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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