I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
