Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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